Why is it I always blog after I cry? Perhaps it's because writing is sort of like therapy for me. Or maybe because through my pain, I've come across some revelation or epiphany and developed a new perspective. Either way, tears are always followed by writing, in my case. Whether it's a prayer journal or a blog post.
What's the dilemma
this time? More stress from homework? Family problems? Relationships? Failure? Loneliness? Well... kind of. I guess a mix of each of these could suffice, but it's this one thing, you see: HOMECOMING.
I don't know why school dances are so big in high school, but it's exciting to see who's going with who. Except... when you're stuck as the odd one out. The dateless girl. That's me! There's nothing wrong with me. I'm attractive, smart, nice, and a Christian with morals! These are all good qualities, right? So WHY hasn't at least one boy out of 1800 asked me?!?! It's not like I'll say no! It's not like they're asking for my hand in marriage, just a simple and sweet high school dance. Instead, the girls who do have dates are flirtatious, immodest, immoral, and superficial. This is a stereotype, but it seems to be a trend! Where have all of the nice boys then? Are they too asking girls like this? AHHHHH I just want to scream I'm so frustrated. Over the past week I've been dwelling on this way too much, but it's my senior year! I know guys like me... but they're just too scared! High school is SO confusing. I have friends that are also in my situation. We simply don't understand. All I want is a date to homecoming. Well... that's not going to happen.
I told myself I had given up and was just going to hang out with my girl friends. But I kept comparing myself to the world's standards. I just feel like such a loser! In the world's eyes, I am! Dateless to homecoming is just not acceptable. But since when did I compare myself to them?!? I am a child of God. His precious creation. He admires my beauty way more than a high school teenage boy. He also knows how much I'm worth. I'm not a loser, I just need a new perspective. Thanks to God, my mom happened to deliver that dose of perspective just in time.
I don't know if you've noticed from this blog, but I happen to be an extremely sensitive, serious, God-fearing, Christian girl. In fact, I have so many emotions just wandering through my body, that sometimes I cry for no reason at all (or at least such an insignificant reason as to practically be pointless). On Saturday I cried because my mom told me not to get groceries. Yeah - that pathetic. But sometimes our thoughts twist the truth. In this case, it also magnified it! I was so determined to pick up some groceries after work that I even kept a list of the sale items while serving customers. My mom was actually trying to help me out by saying that I didn't have to go out of my way. But to me, it was like the end of the world! This feeling of dread came over me, like a luminous gray cloud ready to let out its torment. All because of groceries? Yeah - talk about out of perspective.
Today was kind of like that. But with more validation than groceries. ;) I was at an FCA leadership meeting and it wasn't going well, according to my standards, that is. We were off task and no one was paying attention to me trying to plan the next events. My brother and his friend were goofing off looking at sports' scores on the smartboard when I was honestly trying to do everything! Then I wanted to pray and read the Bible and they just didn't show the same passion as me. It's like they weren't excited about God!
WHOA. Stop right there. What's wrong with this picture? First of all, I can't judge how anyone is in their walk with God - it's not my place. Secondly, I shouldn't have been so angry that it wasn't going how I planned. Not everything in life happens because it's written in a spiral notebook - it's not the law! Only God sets things in stone (not just the Ten Commandments).
Continuing with the story.... After the meeting the subject of homecoming came up. My brother and his friend were discussing the best ways to ask girls to the dance (my brother baked a cake). BAD IDEA. I could only
dream of someone taking the thought to ask me, let alone in a romantic or sweet way!!! Then the other girl said that she had been asked but said no. The guy said, "Well at least you got asked and declined!" This, was heart-wrenching. Now I really felt like a loser and the clouds broke loose again. I started crying, right in front of them. Well, if you know guys at all, they hate it when girls cry. So... they left. Just like that. Which really just made me cry more. But the other girl gave me a hug and cheered me up, kind of. I kind of felt like they had no sympathy for me. Like the guys just left me standing in the rain. I was really hurt. Sure, it was a small occurence, but then, it felt like the dooms day.
I came home upset, the frustration still stirring inside my mind. It didn't help that my brother had on secular radio. Especially when it was a romantically sad country song about missing their significant other. REALLY? Even asking three times to turn it off didn't help. Again: NO SYMPATHY! I was reminded the other day that exercise reduces stress, so I decided to go for a bike ride. Oh boy. I hadn't ridden my bike in over a year. Yeah - I'm that much of an athlete! ;) It was rusty at first, and kind of the whole way. By the end of the .2 mile ride, I was exhausted! :P I came home, accidentally spilled water on myself, and then went outside to think. God happened to place a lilac bush in our back yard, well my dad did, but He created it, and the monarch butterflies to attract it! It was the most astonishing scene: four perfect and gorgeous, orange and black, monarch butterflies were just peacefully smelling the flowers, fluttering like a bunch of plum fairies (if they existed). They didn't mind my camera, zooming in on their intricate design. I was so blessed to have this photo opportunity. I even recorded some of their fluttery wings. But it terminated when my mother called me in for supper.
I was putting forth a huge amount of effort into enjoying the delicious green beans (MY FAVORITE) and sweet ham balls (with brown sugar!), but it wasn't working. With every bite came this knot in my heart. You know that feeling? When you can't even swallow your own saliva, let alone food because of the increasing frustration building up like an avalanche, fueled by a plethora of lies crowding your mind and thought process? It was like a trillion times more complicated then that sentence, to give you an idea. You can probably anticipate my reaction when my mother asked me the simple question, "How was school today?"
I wanted to leave right then and there - go to my room, the only safety zone to hide my tears. But there's no running with Mom. She is my role model and life-long counselor. Out of the... hold on. I'm trying to calculate the number of times I've cried in my life (I will need a calculator). Well my initial guess is wrong. I thought the number could be 7,000 but I've only been alive for a little over 6,000. Ooooops! Perhaps I've cried 700 times. Meaning at least 3 times a month (I think). Back to my point: out of the 700 times I've cried, my mother has probably witnessed anywhere from 125-350 of those times. WOW. Over 100 different times, she's been there to hug me and comfort me. What a mother God has blessed me with. Thank-you God! :)
Well this time, she gave me some shocking advice. She said, "Christina, don't be so serious. Relax. Have fun." WHAT? Relax? Have fun? This advice was inconceivable to me. Can you see the obvious problem though? I'm SO SERIOUS that I don't even
realize my problem and need for fun. Honestly, I hardly ever think to add fun into any life equation. It's not a necessity right? Why should it be considered when there are so many more important things to do?!? I mean, there's homework, chores, work, and church stuff. There's Bible reading and prayer, volunteering. Applying for scholarships and colleges. Spanish and Chinese club. My Bible study! There's FCA and orchestra, tennis and eating healthy.... EIYIYI I HAVE NO LIFE. Well, I do. It just doesn't appear in the form of a SOCIAL LIFE. Yeah - that one thing that distinguishes high school from the adult world (no offense to any adults). My brother certainly doesn't struggle with this one fact. He's so opposite that he focuses on the social life
too much. My parents always say, if we could just mesh into one person, we'd be the perfect child. Instead, they got both extreme ends of the spectrum. Go figure.
Let's wrap this one around my head: maybe one of the reasons guys aren't asking me to homecoming is because they see the fact that I don't have a social life and run away. After all, why have a party-pooper, no fun girl for a date? Now, I'm being a little harsh on myself (I always am), but it's party true! I don't exactly have a nonexistent social life, it's just measured in nanoseconds compared to my brother's days.
God always seems to put the right resources into your hands with perfect timing. I randomly decided to read this children's devotional book called "
The Prayer of Jabez Devotions for Kids" by Bruce Wilkinson. The entire book is based off of one seemingly insignificant verse in 1 Chronicles (of all places!):
1 Chronicles 4:10
And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested.
Have you even heard of Jabez before?!? He's certainly not as popular as Abraham, David, and Paul the Apostle! What's even more peculiar is the meaning of Jabez's name: PAIN. That's right, his mother bore him in so much pain, that she would take the honor of naming him pain! In Biblical times, the meaning of a name was taken seriously. It was kind of like a destiny. Jabez certainly didn't want a destiny of pain! So he honorably asked God to bless him. Now, from the perspective of a legalistic, "Bible-banging," judgmental Christian (like myself... I'll admit I have flaws), it would seem proposterous to even think about asking God to bless you! But there's the problem: God wants the best for you! A loving and compassionate God full of grace and mercy would only want to see me happy. My mom told me, "Do you think God
wants to see you always serious and crying about this?!?" I wanted so badly to confidently say no, but it only made me cry more because I hadn't realized it!
I read day 10 tomorrow in the Prayer of Jabez. After the end of each chapter it gives a "What the Big Idea?" summary. Here are the following summaries for the first 9 chapters:
1. If God carries a wallet, it has your snapshot in it - and He smiles when He looks at it.
2. God is awesome, even when we stay in the crowd, and we have a chance to see Him up close.
3. God has packages in heaven with your name on them - unclaimed. What's in the first box? Only one way to find out!
4. In the eyes of Jesus, there's no such thing as a loser. Everybody who asks for His blessings wins big!
5. Sticks and stones may break bones, but God's names for me will always heal me.
6. Tell Him what you want, and ask Him to give you what you need. Then, increasingly, they'll become the same thing.
7. When you stand in the shower of God's blessings, it makes you want to sing!
8. Every day has a new opportunity for me. The important thing is to ask God to help me recognize it.
9. Faith is going to the edge of your borders - and taking one more step.
One of the examples the author gave was really clever. Imagine Christmas day: presents piled high to the tree, everyone excited with anticipation. But no one opens the presents because they feel too greedy. It's January, then June, and still not a present unwrapped. Actually, they've multiplied and now flooding into the other rooms in the house! This is of course unrealistic, but it is realistic of our
spiritual blessings. All of us are like the family in the scenario, and all we need to do is ask God to give us blessings!
Selfish? Not a chance. You're asking for the things God has already reserved for you. He has chosen these gifts as blessings for your benefit. They have to do with your heart's desire and with healing hurts that bother you. God gives you these gifts to make you a better, happier, stronger person. He wants to do so much for you, but He won't force His blessings on you. He wants you to ask. So, go ahead. Do it right now. Ask God to bless you. Ask Him to give you the blessings He is just waiting to shower upon your life.
Wow. When was the last time you
asked God to bless you? I don't remember ever asking this. How sad is that? I'm missing out on piles and rooms full of presents that I never knew existed. I'd like to point out an important point above in the list of chapter themes. Look at chapter 6: "Tell Him what you want, and ask Him to give you what you need. Then, increasingly, they'll become the same thing." It's not like we're asking God for a million dollars, two mansions, a brand new Ferrari, and a 70 inch big screen TV. Perhaps that is what you want, who doesn't? But the closer you are to God, the more you start desiring what He wants for you. In the previous example, a rich life isn't necessarily going to make you happy. Maybe God will bless you with money, but there's a lot more in life than dollar signs. I know God has AWESOME things in store for us. See for yourself!
Malachi 3:10
Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.
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Tear picture,
homecoming cookies pic,
groceries pic,
how was school today comic,
prayer of jabez book pic,
Christmas presents pic all found on Google. AWESOME PURPLE FLOWER PICTURE taken by me, Bubbly ;)
Forward: I apologize for this being such a massively long post. I spent two night writing it because I had to go to bed the first night! I finished it on the 18th, so I developed a different perspective on the original issue. I still don't have a date to homecoming, but I don't mind that much. Of course, I was a little angry when a girl I know got asked by TWO guys on the same day and isn't even going to homecoming! :P Why is life so unfair? Anyways, it took me a week for my mom's advice to sink in. Fun. It's a word. And it's not bad! Blessings. They're God's gifts for me to ask for! He loves me and therefore wants me to be happy. :) My wants will increasingly become His desires. I'm starting to get the hint God doesn't want me to go to homecoming. We'll see. Either way, I will keep an open mind to what He has in store for me. How exciting! It's just like opening a Christmas present. Perhaps it's a movie night, karaoke night, line dancing, or just hanging out with some friends. I could even still wear my dress out to dinner before hand (and not go to the dance). There's way more options than I can even see! You know the saying "God works in mysterious ways"? It's so true! The fun part is trusting Him and seeing what surprises He'll bring. LONG BLOG POST SHORT: don't be too serious, have fun! ;)
And THAT concludes my story. For now.......
Do you like chick flicks? You know - the super girly movies where every girl in the audience sighs excessively, dreaming of the day her prince charming will rush onto the scene and sweep her up out of a field of flowers, sunlight accentuating his gorgeously dark brown hair and perfect smile? Okay, so I could have done without the exaggerated, corny definition; but it was fun to write! ;) You have to admit, despite my drastically unrealistic version, most chick-flicks are overly cliche. Like all guys are really that smooth and will say lines that make your heart swell. PLEASE! Give them a break. No guy is perfect. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Ling (that's Chinese :D). The burning question is, how are girls ever supposed to satisfy their longing desire for romantic perfection? Are we supposed to stock up on chick-flicks for the rest of our lives, hoping that they'll fill in the gaps our husbands leave? If happily-ever-after is a phony, then is all of humanity utterly doomed for destruction and misery? (Okay, it's not that dramatic, but still. For every problem, there has to be a solution, right?)
ory is all too familiar to me, but perhaps we all need some refreshing. Once upon a time, a 17 year old girl, dying for more chick-flicks, finished watching Aladdin. As Princess Jasmine rode away with her "prince" on a magic carpet, she didn't want it to end! She simply had to see more, craving to get a taste of real romance. To smell the sweet rose and feel the happiness inside when a guy tells her she's beautiful. But everything was crushed. Like a mirror thrown on the floor, shattered to pieces, was this girls' spirit when she realized the inevitable truth of love: it's not perfect. Marriages fail. Fights happen. And ultimately, people fail. Despite what Disney may claim, prince charming isn't all he's made up to be. He's flawed. That's right - HE'S HUMAN. Are there times when you feel angry and lose your temper? When you lash out at your family and somehow acquire that "sass" and "attitude"? You can't expect your husband to be better. The underlying problem with nearly every chick-flick is the underrepresented reality that happily-ever-after doesn't mean there aren't fights, tears, pain, hurt, and moments when the "D" word seems uncontainable. No, happily-ever-after means that through those seasons in the valley, you and your spouse can work through the issues together, as a team, and display true love. Love is not saying "I love you." We all know how cliche that becomes. In fact, so cliche that it loses its value on so many occasions. Love is shown by action.
"None loves greater than this"
