I don't normally write merely about a past experience, but I feel the need to write about something that happened a few weeks ago. I would have written about it right after it occurred, but the busyness of life (as usual) got in the way.It was the week before finals week. Everyday was the same: come home from school or other extra-curricular activity and immediately begin working on homework for five hours straight (or more). This was pretty stressful and I couldn't help but worry about whether I would get all of my homework done before finals (let alone begin studying for the important exams). Wednesday, November 11th, was the climax of my stress. It was as if all of the stress throughout the trimester escalated and accumulated until that very day, when I couldn't hold onto it any longer. Every time throughout the beginning of the year, when something went wrong and I felt the need to cry, I held it in, telling myself it wasn't worth any shed tears. I would act as if I was no longer bothered by it and simply continue on with life. However, I had to let go of it sometime. Wednesday night, I exploded. Not in the way a bomb suddenly explodes for no reason, but in the way a troubled, worried little girl pours out all of her tears gathered up through many stressful months into one giant meltdown. This was not the first time I had an emotional meltdown, but it was certainly worse than any memory I can recollect. I honestly, and sadly, completely lost it.
I had planned to go to an informational speech meeting after school (the first), then go home and start my five hours of homework, sadly, but for good reason, missing my youth group I so badly wanted to attend. This plan already depressed me, but what actually happened caused me to lose it. My German exchange student had to go to a basketball meeting at five, which he said was expected to last between 15-20 minutes. I thought to myself, "Okay, I'll drive you to the meeting, bring along an hour worth of homework, do some in the car, and then drive you home afterward so I don't have to make two trips." Unfortunately, plans never go as expected and the night was a mess of miscommunication and miscalculations. After about an hour (as predicted), I finished my study guide I attempted to complete in the semi-dark car. I glanced at the time and thought it was odd he wasn't done, but gathered up the little patience I possessed and waited while listening to the car radio. Frustrated at the time, I raced inside to find the meeting still in session. I asked a man outside the room what time they would be done and he said about a quarter till 7. Since I saw it pointless to drive all of the way back home, I decided to go to some of youth group. It was about 6:30 and since my church is only 2 minutes away, I figured I could spend about 15 minutes there, and then pick him up.
Feeling somewhat embarrassed for coming in for only a few minutes, I hesitantly walked in and stayed for announcements and worship. Since I forgot my cell phone, I wasn't able to communicate with my exchange student. However, I followed what the man outside the room said, and figured he would be done at around 7. I was sad to leave youth group, but needed to pick him up so I could finish my five hours of homework for the night. Determined, I ran inside to find the meeting not even close to being done. After wandering around the school aimlessly, he finally came out. I only saw him briefly (less than a minute) to ask him when he would be done and his reply was, "talk to the coach." Frustrated, I waited for the coach to be finished talking (like 5 minutes) and then asked him. He said they were just assigning lockers and would be done after that (I was thinking like 5 minutes). I ran down to the gym, but didn't want to intrude in the men's locker room and waited a few minutes. Not knowing what to do, I went back to the car, moved it to the other parking lot (near the gyms) and ran back inside. I felt like an idiot as I ran around the school confused, frustrated, and stressed. I checked the time and it was a quarter till 8. With a violin lesson at 8:15, I knew I had to get home. The entire way to my house, I constantly cried at the wheel and beat myself up inside. I felt guilty for leaving my exchange student at school, sad that I had completely missed youth group, angry for not getting my homework done, stupid for forgetting my cell phone, stressed that I would be late to my violin lesson, and overall upset that nothing had gone according to plan the entire night (did I mention I hadn't had any food since lunch time and was also hungry?).
With all of these emotions boiling up inside, I continued to cry and especially exploded when my mom saw me. On top of all of that, I felt embarrassed that I was crying in the first place and felt like a crazy person for losing it completely. Thankfully, my loving mother spent the next 30 minutes sharing her wisdom with me and telling me that grades didn't matter. During this, I gobbled up in the middle of tears, a warm plate of lasagna. Still worried about my violin lesson, my mom canceled it and told my teacher I wasn't feeling well. True, I wasn't feeling well emotionally and I was honestly mentally sick. She said that was as bad (almost worse) than being physically sick.
My problem is, I can never say "no" to anything! I always feel obligated to do everything and at the same time want to do it all. My mom said to do only what I love to do. I still have to try my best in school, but she said that "grades don't matter." I was shocked by this response and it took my a while to fully understand. You see, it's not the end of world if I get a C in a class or if a fail a few tests, even if I the worst happened and I didn't graduate from high school, my mom would still love me and no matter what, Jesus still does. It may sound corny, but when looking at life from this perspective, it eliminates my current worst enemy: stress. It's not like I'm going to suddenly stop trying in school and get F's. Believe me, I care too much. But that's just it: I care too much. I certainly shouldn't care so much that I have an emotional breakdown. It's simply not worth it. My mom told me that no one will ever look back at your high school grades in the future, besides initially getting into college. It's not like my future boss is going to comment on the B I received in Advanced Pre-Calculus or the D I got on an AP US History test. Then she asked me, "Which would you rather have? A great GPA, but with a horrible high school experience with no fun, or a social life full of wonderful memories and fun?" This question hit me right in the forehead, triggering a light bulb in my head. I never even stopped to think about a social life. I never thought about balancing grades and fun or considering doing things I enjoy. I always did things I felt I had to, not thinking about my interests. Learning is fun, and sometimes I love school, but it's practically impossible to balance that with the stress that comes with it. My new perspective in life is this: grades, homework, school, it doesn't matter! I need to do what I love to do and have fun with it. Life isn't as serious, boring, or horrible as it seems sometimes. Sure, I'll try my best, but I need to stop being such a perfectionist and get some priorities straight. God is number one in my life, and nothing can take the place of Him.
My problem is, I can never say "no" to anything! I always feel obligated to do everything and at the same time want to do it all. My mom said to do only what I love to do. I still have to try my best in school, but she said that "grades don't matter." I was shocked by this response and it took my a while to fully understand. You see, it's not the end of world if I get a C in a class or if a fail a few tests, even if I the worst happened and I didn't graduate from high school, my mom would still love me and no matter what, Jesus still does. It may sound corny, but when looking at life from this perspective, it eliminates my current worst enemy: stress. It's not like I'm going to suddenly stop trying in school and get F's. Believe me, I care too much. But that's just it: I care too much. I certainly shouldn't care so much that I have an emotional breakdown. It's simply not worth it. My mom told me that no one will ever look back at your high school grades in the future, besides initially getting into college. It's not like my future boss is going to comment on the B I received in Advanced Pre-Calculus or the D I got on an AP US History test. Then she asked me, "Which would you rather have? A great GPA, but with a horrible high school experience with no fun, or a social life full of wonderful memories and fun?" This question hit me right in the forehead, triggering a light bulb in my head. I never even stopped to think about a social life. I never thought about balancing grades and fun or considering doing things I enjoy. I always did things I felt I had to, not thinking about my interests. Learning is fun, and sometimes I love school, but it's practically impossible to balance that with the stress that comes with it. My new perspective in life is this: grades, homework, school, it doesn't matter! I need to do what I love to do and have fun with it. Life isn't as serious, boring, or horrible as it seems sometimes. Sure, I'll try my best, but I need to stop being such a perfectionist and get some priorities straight. God is number one in my life, and nothing can take the place of Him.
Romans 4:4-8 "Now when a man works, his wages are not credited to him as a gift, but as an obligation. However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness. David says the same thing when he speaks of the blessedness of the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works: 'Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.'"
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