When everything falls apart

I was shocked. When I came into my parents bedroom I tried to guess why mom was crying and they were having a "discussion." Never in a million years would I have guessed Dad got laid off again. It just seemed so impossible! How could he, the most qualified man for the position, become unemployed again in less than 2 months?!? It isn't even logical. Whoever decided to lay him off just because they didn't like his "personality" or the fact he is honest, is EVIL. Or at least, that's how I view them. You can't just ruin an entire family like that! What were they thinking? How do they sleep at night? WHY is life so unfair?

Today I cried out to God. It's the only response that accomplishes anything when you're in my shoes. What else can I do? Working at a grocery store isn't going to cut out money to pay for the electric bill or mortgage payment. What's worse - Mom's school is cutting back due to the economy and she now has a part time job. And that scholarship program I wanted to go to so badly - it's TRULY just a dream now. We can't afford it! Mom says not to worry, that this won't affect me at all. She's right and wrong. Last time this happened (he was unemployed for 11 months) life wasn't too bad... but the stress it put on my mother and father - that was hard. To see my mom cry and to see my dad get angry and frustrated after searching and searching for another job, that's the hard part. Their marriage was strained, our family nearly fell apart.

If it wasn't for God, I'm sure my parents would have divorced years ago. If it wasn't for God, I'm sure I would be an emotional wreck every day and probably think suicidal thoughts. If it wasn't for God, my family would be in a much worse state. Honestly, I KNOW this is all in God's plan. He's the brains, not me. So the only response I have is to TRUST Him with all my heart, soul, and mind. I will pray continually and in all circumstances, being thankful for everything that He has given me - my family, friends, and food and shelter. It's not like I'm homeless right now! Thanks be to God that I am alive in Him! That's all I ever need. You can take away my dad's job. You can take away my possessions, my house, even my family. You can never take away my God. His unfailing love, unending grace, and everlasting joy will never fade. "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song" (Psalm 28:7).

Isaiah 28:16 (NIV)

So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
"See, I lay a stone in Zion,
a tested stone,
a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;
the one who trusts will never be dismayed.

A song that clearly says my thoughts is "Everything Falls" by Fee. I actually saw them in concert, which was basically just a giant night of worship! This song is so encouraging because literally, when EVERYTHING FALLS APART, God doesn't.

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you're the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
i find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

(Storm image found on Google when I typed in "when everything falls apart." I think a storm accurately fits the description... and my life right now)

Bubbly, future author

This past week/couple of months I've been in an artsy mood. I've been successful in writing, drawing, taking pictures, singing, writing songs, and playing the violin. It's kind of strange because I don't consider myself an artist, nor an author, or a musician. They're just "hobbies." Nevertheless, it's gotten me thinking about a future career...

What if I aspired to be an author? Is it even possible? Sometimes I have doubts, but for now that occupation is a distant fantasy and dream... I mean, how would I have the time to write? Do I have enough talent to get published? I mean, who wants to read a non-fiction Christian book full of my rambling thoughts? Is that what God wants? Well, for now I'm just going to "go with the flow." I still have another year of high school! Fortunately I have plenty of time to think about these things, but for now I am going to embrace my right brain talents. Did you know that I haven't drawn a picture since 8th grade? And before that it was probably 3rd grade! For whatever reason I decided to start again. I just took some of my pictures (the ones of flowers that I have on this blog!) and drew pictures/sketches of them. It was actually fun! I may just have some talent in the arena of art. ;) I'm starting to think that, even though God blessed me with both right and left brain intelligence, I certainly enjoy the right brain side more. Does that mean I should just stick with a language arts major?

My parents said I should always keep my options open and continue with math and science. "You never know," they tell me. I don't really like math or science though! It's usually more complicated when you're decent at all subjects. Sometimes I just wish God would have chosen one gift and let me excel at that one career... but instead He gave me many and said "Okay - pick ONE!" If there is that "perfect" job out there for me, it would not simply utilize one gift, but instead all of them! Do you know of an occupation that involves music, nature, and God? I know - blogging! You see? That's my point. Writing seems like one of my only options if I were to stick with most of my gifts, because you can write about anything! I love that idea. Especially since I never like to decide on one thing, I usually compromise. But is compromise good? When it comes to faith, there is no compromise... at least on the big topics. Either Jesus died for your sins or not! Either you believe in the Bible or not! (Although, I feel like people always try to stretch the truth and make it more complex...)

Anyway, with all of these thoughts roaming through my head on any given day, it's difficult to concentrate on God's will. I found one example in 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 14:12 (NIV)

"So it is with you. Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church."

What really matters in the end is spiritual gifts. I think it's already cool how God gives each individual special talents and gifts, but for the believer, He also adorns us with spiritual gifts! By spiritual gifts, I mean things like the gift of teaching (like a pastor), serving, administration and leadership, evangelizing/witnessing, and others like the gift of music for worship. Basically, all of the gifts that contribute to an effective church. Just like Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians chapter 12, about how the church is a body of Christ - each part useful for carrying out God's will.

But what I'm "scheming" is combining all of my gifts for God's will - which is what we're supposed to do, right? I think writing would be the perfect way to use all of my gifts, including spiritual. Just imagine - writing books to instruct others in growing in their relationship with God! Or books of encouragement for devotionals. It would fun to write for a magazine or a company also. Oh - just think about it! Well... whatever God's will is, I'll do it. :) But for now, this is a "dream" job.

"Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

-Bubbly, future author ;)

(Picture taken by Bubbly... it's one of the results of this random artsy mood I'm currently in. ;) It's not my best work, but I think it's a start! Right now I'm merely experimenting with pencil and paper)

Dreaming...

Lately I've been daydreaming about the future. The typical teenager dreams: college, careers... and of course boys. ;) Anyway, I'm going to college for a week this summer! It's through Baylor University's "Renaissance Scholar" program. Baylor is my DREAM college. Although it seems unlikely to become reality because of the high cost: $41,000! Either way, going to it for a week will let me get a taste of real college life, and of Baylor. The only downside is, it costs a lot of money also! And since I don't live in Texas, there's an extra $500 in airplane tickets. My parents are making me pay for that, which is challenging for a teenage girl who works at a grocery store. That part really scares me and I don't even know if I'll like the classes I'm taking (computer science, engineering, literature, philosophy, etc.). I got so stressed that I started crying - which seems like the only response I ever have for anything that goes wrong in my life. This time, I laid in my bed and decided to pray about it. I just asked God to give me some direction and peace. I was so frustrated that I was doubting if He would help me. Well He gave me wisdom and advice from my mother, and PEACE with the situation. Honestly, it's like God just cleared my mind of chaos and placed logical thoughts inside my head, and some wisdom to rationalize my decision. I'm still not 100% sure if it's His will, but I feel like He brought it to me for a reason. I know I'll attain a valuable experience and give God the glory with all of the talents and abilities He's given me.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet today...

Ecclesiastes 5:7 (NIV)

"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God."

When I typed "dream" into Biblegateway.com, I didn't expect to find this! For a talkative daydreamer like me, this verse applies directly to me. I've also been dreaming about my future career and what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I see where this verse is coming from. Dreaming doesn't actually accomplish anything. It's futile - and that's what Ecclesiastes is all about - the futility of life. But I also believe that God can make dreams come true! With His wisdom and guidance, I will find peace about my past, present, and future.

-Photo taken by Bubbly :) It's actually a picture I took when I visited Baylor University during Spring Break. Isn't this fountain so awesome? It even has a Bible verse on it! The campus is the most beautiful one I've ever seen in my life! ;) It's very difficult not to dream...

"Part of something holy"

So today was kind of weird. I woke up early for an orchestra competition, and it went well (besides the freezing cold weather inside and outside!), until we ate at the Red Lantern, a Chinese restaurant. The food was good, but the conversation and company weren't exactly my cup of tea...

I came home angry!!! Usually, I don't get angry, just sad. Lately, my patience has gotten shorter because of lack of sleep. Of course, my anger always ends in tears... Anyway, I labeled today as another day of persecution. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing like underground China or a communist country. But getting hurt emotionally by supposed friends or even acquaintances is painful! And for a sensitive teenage girl like me, the pain is magnified three-fold! Why do I constantly take things personally?!? It's not like they hate me. Nope. They hate God. They hate Jesus. They hate everything the cross stands for. They don't even care! :( Maybe I'm being too harsh and judgmental. But this is how I felt from the things they were saying, the perversion they constantly speak. Everything they seem to do! This kind of thinking is getting me nowhere, but John 15 supports my reasoning.

John 15:18-22 (New International Version)

The World Hates the Disciples

¹⁸"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. ¹⁹If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. ²⁰Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. ²¹They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. ²²If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin.

I used these verses in a previous post after watching a wholesome movie. Honestly, I want to live the holiest life I can possibly live! I don't even want to be in company with people who think otherwise. Because it brings me down! I may live a sheltered life, but it's on purpose! Do you think I actually want to know what all those perverted jokes mean?!? Of course not. Every cuss word I hear, accumulating like a blanket of snow as each snowflake word remains in my ear. I HATE it!!! Honestly, I just wish people would at least recognize their immorality, instead of including profanity in their everyday language. What's worse is the constant insults to people. Words hurt! Putting people down doesn't improve anyone's self-esteem. Not even your own! Every accumulating "that's what she said" joke, and every other sexual innuendo - they are annoying and wrong. Think perverted thoughts in your head! It's ridiculous how everyone laughs at them but me. Am I seriously the only one who doesn't appreciate that sense of humor?

John 7:7

"The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil."

What really hurt me and broke the patience was the talks about homosexuality, evolution, and God in general. With every new burst of laughter, I acquired another burst of anger, boiling inside of me. I was so close to just getting up and leaving. But where? In this scenario, there was no "away." No hiding place to go cry. But is that really the solution? Tears? Something (my inside thoughts, the Bible, and my mother) has been telling me that Satan's solution is merely tears. He wants me to go hide in a hole like a helpless prey. But who's the predator? Satan himself or his evil? Both? Either way, I don't consider them predators. No. Predators always win. Lions chase a helpless gazelle and win by digging sharp teeth into flesh. I know, slightly gruesome. The point is - I'm not that helpless gazelle! And Satan is not that fierce lion. Good will always triumph over evil in the end. God's love and grace will prevail. I will put my faith in the Creator of the universe and trust that He will keep me innocent. I will trust and pray that those orchestra friends will find the truth. And God will bring me freedom from my persecution! He will reveal His purpose and glory to me.

You know, after I had an hour nap and went to work, I got this surge of joy that came out of nowhere! I was happy. The tears had dried and the silent prayer I had said to God was answered. He gave me joy! I may sound like a crazy, over-emotional, radical Christian, but God is good. Always. He brightened my day and this blogging was a wise choice to spend my night. ;) It's perfect.

On my way to work, God brought this song on the radio - just for me. It totally spoke to me. This was the first time I heard it, and to my surprise it was by one of my favorite bands, Stellar Kart! Anyway, it's the typical encouraging Christian song to cheer you up and make you stop crying. :) Or at least, it did with me. Enjoy! I REALLY LOVE THIS SONG NOW!!! :D It also fits into my life-story! My blog is titled "Innocently Yours" for a reason - I am called to be "part of something holy."



-Beautiful flower picture taken by Bubbly ;)

-For more blog topics similar to this (which is basically me venting about the frustrations of the world!), see these previous posts: "'Then they will know that I am the Lord...'" and "Some deep Spring thinking..."

We were born to be part of something holy

AP Exams, college "fantasy" and prayer

For whatever reason, (minus my C- physics test) I feel smart. I just scored a 95% on my math test without even doing any of the homework! When my ACT score came back, my mom said on the essay writing part, I got a perfect 12! It's kind of surprising.... all of these confidence builders, but I think I have an idea what God has in mind. You see, tomorrow is the national AP US History Exam. I know nothing about US History. Or at least, I think I don't. Anyway, it's a good idea to try and build up my confidence. Especially considering I got a 45% on my final test....(bringing my grade down a whole letter) :P Why can't I get this history in my head?

Yesterday I was also worrying about college, considering this exam will give me college credit if I score a 4 or higher (no pressure, right?). The college I want to go to, Baylor University, is $41,000 each year! I would probably only get like $12,000 in scholarships. Gradually, that dream is fading from reality into "fantasy." I am so worried about money for college. I mean, I'm sure I could get enough scholarships at smaller, cheaper, private schools to only pay a couple thousand or so for tuition. But do I really want to go there? I know I'll have a great college experience regardless of the location, but a solid education is important. And do I really want to go all the way to Texas, 2,000 miles away from home? With so many questions and no answers yet, I have to do one thing: TRUST GOD.

Prayer is always a good place to start. I know God is faithful, and has a perfect plan for me. The only obstacle is finding out what that plan is. Thankfully, I still have a year to decide. But until then, I will continually pray every day for God to show me His will. I have a feeling, it will partially depend on the money. It will be difficult to not choose the college with the most scholarships, because I don't want to overburden my parents with college loans... or my future for that matter. I'm still a bit rusty on this prayer process. In fact, I'm basically just beginning. But yesterday I read in my devotional that a prayerless life is powerless and a prayerful life is powerful. Even though I'm inexperienced, I believe that with all my heart. God's power is truly revealed through prayer. That constant communication with God is so necessary to experience His glory. He can bring peace to relieve my worries. He can give me hope in His perfect plan. He can help me have faith in Him through everything.

Hebrews 3:6 (NIV)

"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast."

Romans 8:5-6 (NIV)

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace."

I am so thankful that God listens to me and genuinely cares for me. I can't wait to see where this road through prayer takes me! So I will patiently wait for God's power to consume my life. Let His will be done.

-History cartoon from Google... I guess that's one reason US History is important, but regardless, I would much rather spend my time writing, reading, and doing language artsy things. ;)

Digo la Verdad

Monday's Spanish class was slightly frustrating. We were checking the homework in class like usual. We trade papers and grade each others' work, and then the teacher calls on our names and we tell him our score. Well, I have always been aware that some people cheat. Not just occasionally, but every time. This is annoying considering I have always told the truth. However, yesterday was different. Few students took the care to notice that the directions to the last section were in the preterite form (past tense), and the majority of the class got it wrong. This would mean, that everyone should have gotten a 5 out of 10, which was my score exactly. But me, and my partner (he didn't cheat because of me) were the only ones in the entire class that actually said "cinco," or five. Spanish is my best class. I have gotten straight A+'s all three years, and I have a natural aptitude for languages. So when my teacher heard me say 5, he was shocked. You'd think he knows that the entire class cheats. You'd think he'd actually do something about it or change his procedure, but I doubt that will ever happen. No. I'm stuck with being the only honest student. "Digo la verdad!" (That's Spanish for "I tell the truth.")

Stupid conscience. That's the real culprit! But when it comes down to it, I don't want to lie. Not only would I have trouble sleeping at night due to my guilty conscience, but I also have God to answer to. You see, I am different than most people in my class. Even if they have a conscience like mine (although I doubt any do), they still don't care as much. Why? Because they lack morals. Now, I'm not saying they're all horrible people with no values in life, but I can assume that by their lives, at least some lack a committed faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. Sure, you can know what's right or wrong by mere common sense. But can you have any guilt? Can you truly repent, and if so, to who and why? I have a reason to tell the truth. The Bible gives me the morals and values that guide my life, but more importantly, I desire to do good, because Jesus saved my life. No, I'm not perfect (far from it, actually!). And I'm never going to get there, but by the grace and blood of Jesus, I am forgiven. True repentance involves a change in mind, and a willingness to do better the next time. Only by God can I have the POWER to tell the truth and stand out as a light in this world. I was not happy yesterday. In fact, I was ranting about it to everyone and inside my head all day! Satan wants to discourage me to give in and lie. I'll admit, it is tempting. But praise God for His Word! It's all I need to survive.

Proverbs 12:19 (NIV)

"Truthful lips endure forever,
but a lying tongue lasts only a moment."

What's the benefit of telling the truth? I am confident God not only gives a reward inside my heart now (and a clear conscience), but a reward will come in Heaven as well. Thank-you Lord for answering my prayer. The answers are all in your sacred Word.

Proverbs 12:22

"The LORD detests lying lips,
but he delights in men who are truthful."

Proverbs 14:25

"A truthful witness saves lives,
but a false witness is deceitful."

What better example of truth than Jesus Christ? He is the truth. This song by Casting Crowns was my favorite when I was 11.

-Random cartoon found on Google.com. I have no idea what Tarski's Theorem is. I just like the bottom part about computing the truth. ;)
-Spanish sign picture found on www.Google.es (that's the Spanish Google). It was actually off of a Spanish blog! Isn't that tight? I'm kind of a Spanish nerd, but it actually says: "Jesus, the way, the truth, the life." Technically, there should be an accent on the "u" in Jesus. :)

*For an additional perspective on this topic of truth, see "Grades- Believing the Lie" post.

"Michelle"

Prom was awesome. :) After going to bed at 4:30 am, I am overly exhausted! To be honest, it has taken me about 15 minutes to figure out what I have to say today. Weird, huh? I'm usually the most talkative person, but for some reason I'm struggling with... the world. It's so difficult to develop a good prayer life, to read my Bible daily, and to fully live out my faith when I surrounded by temptations, fear, and sin. Prom wasn't the most glorifying to God, besides the theological conversation my date and I had. This is why I'm so blank on words... However, I did learn some valuable lessons from my friend about generosity and serving others.

We're not supposed to use real names in school blogs (and I have the hugest conscience ever), so let's call my friend Michelle. ;) Anyway, last night was her prom (she's a senior, and I'm a junior), and I was fortunate enough to share that with her. She was THE princess of the night. Literally. She had the most gorgeous pink princess dress on! Her golden curls complimented her fair skin, and beautiful face. Our prayer, and plan, was that her dream date would immediately fall in love with her! He was THE prince charming. A college student, he flew all of the way from Arkansas just to be her prom date. How cute is that?

Anyway, Michelle is the nicest, most generous person I know. She gives without even thinking twice about it! She is so compassionate towards everyone and loves no matter what. She is constantly complimenting everyone, lifting up their day. This is just a shout out to "Michelle" because she is and AWESOME friend! Prior to the dinner and dance, Michelle spent most of the time curling my hair - so much that she barely had time to finish her own! She let me borrow her gorgeous red gown for prom, including the necklace to match it. Michelle also gave me her beautiful white dress, and even a shirt! She let me have her eyeshadow kit and some time ago treated me out to a delicious snow cone. During the snow cone day, she spent over an hour encouraging me because I was having a bad day and couldn't stop crying. Michelle also has guided me through a difficult time in my life when I was having boy problems, giving me advice and giving me the perfect devotional book that helped her through her problems, and greatly improved my mood about the issue. She still continues to encourage me through her own blog, and invited me to her youth group (mine wasn't working out). I could spend hours explaining in detail all of the wonderful things Michelle has done. Clearly, she is living out Mark 9:35.

Mark 9:35 (NIV)

"Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.'"

Jesus, the king of the world, came as a servant. Talk about confusing! Why would a king serve? Much less the perfect king? We are the sinful ones, if anything, we should have been serving Jesus. But Jesus is the prime example of serving. He even went as far as to wash his disciples' feet, a dirty, but necessary job back then. It was reserved for servants. You see, Jesus goes against the status quo and says, "The last shall be first." In His eyes, a servant is first. Because to put yourself below others is an act of humility. It follows the second greatest commandment: loving your neighbor as yourself. Which is exactly what my friend Michelle has been doing her whole life. And God bless her! I know her reward will be great in Heaven. :)

Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV)

"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

-Pink princess prom dress picture from Google. It's not quite like Michelle's, but it is as poofy! :)