Footprints in the Sand

Last week was... too crazy for words. I cried every day, yet God was teaching me life lessons. It was like a roller coaster - I went up and down constantly. I can't say it was a terrible week or a fabulous week. It was neither! Through it all, God was beside me. Actually, it was exactly like the Footprints in the Sand poem.

Footprints in the Sand - Poem

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

Let's start at the beginning. Sunday, I cried over a $20 bill (see "He hears me when I cry" post). Monday was super busy and stressful with homework, and other FCA stuff. Tuesday my hormones went out of whack (see hormones post)! I was basically upset for no reason. Wednesday I was on a high! God spoke to me directly through a green comet (see blog post). :) I literally felt invincible. Then I hit an all-time low the next day - Thursday...

I was so frustrated over my "stupid" research paper, as I called it. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I had spent all Wednesday re-writing it, and all for nothing, I felt. On top of that, I was split between the FCA Lock-In and that. You'd think two things all for the glory of God wouldn't ever become a problem. But Satan has a way of turning anything into a lie. That's exactly what he was doing. I heard reoccurring lies in my head all day and night. Lies telling me I was good for nothing. Telling me that I would fail at life. My mom spent time telling me all I needed to do on the research paper was not be judgmental. She said that would be the only sin I would struggle with in my life. That Satan would use pride to tell me that I was a "good Christian girl," when in reality pride is "the greatest sin of all," that caused Satan, the once great angel, to fall. But I kept questioning that: can you really say that one sin is greater than all of the others? I don't really know. :( But my mother's lecture was even more depressing.

It's all because of this vicious cycle. You see, I am the most extreme perfectionist. Everything in my life has to be flawless. I constantly compare myself to others. Just when I think I've reached it (which is never possible, by the way, no one's perfect), I realize my sin and get upset all over again. I just dig myself deeper into a hole. I keep on stressing over everything, then about my imperfection, and then about the idea or concept of stressing over my imperfection and conviction of sin! :P IT NEVER ENDS. With this frustrating, interminable cycle, my mother said she's scared I'll have a nervous breakdown or heart attack at age 20. This causes me to worry myself to death about worrying myself to death!!! Does that even make sense? I'm just a mess. :( Satan wants to tell me I will never get out. That I'm just stuck with my eccentric personality and insane ability to worry. My mom asked me to name one thing I'm good at. There was complete silence for one whole minute. I honestly couldn't think of ONE thing. To me, I had to be perfect. Since nothing in my life or about me was perfect, I figured I was doomed. She started naming a huge list, and had me repeat them. I didn't believe any of them for a second. They were the truth! Yet I wasn't convinced because Satan's lies sunk in so deep. I had my second emotional breakdown, but not as bad as the last one. Despite my low self-esteem and lies swirling through my head, I know for a FACT, that God was fighting back this week. He always does. Just like the Footprints poem, God carried me through the storm.

God does work in mysterious ways. Friday was a nightmare and a blessing all in one. I told myself I wouldn't stress out or freak out. My brother wanted to go out to lunch and I reluctantly agreed. I was already running late, so Wendy's didn't seem appealing. I raced to the car. During my marathon, I encountered a fiasco with these girls. I ran in front of them so fast, and so close, that they screamed at each other, "Oh my God!" Their tone suggested that they were thinking I was some sort of freak. Well, I certainly thought I was. That's embarrassing event #1 (only 3 more to go!). After we purchased baconaters, french fries, and frosties; I gobbled mine down in the car so fast that I didn't even enjoy them. It was three minutes till the bell rang, so I grabbed the remaining frosty and sprinted to the school, scooping the chocolate shake in my mouth. At one point, when I was only a few feet away from the front entrance, I tripped. Now, this wasn't a little trip. I basically combined 17 trips in one! It's was one of those times where you trip, catch your balance for a nanosecond, then trip again, regain balance, trip, etc. This occurred almost the entire way to the school. Luckily, there were probably 15 different students outside watching this. Most of them didn't hesitate to laugh out loud (not "lol," more like "HA HA YOU'RE A LOSER"). Embarrassing moment #2. Two wasn't enough apparently, because it was a few seconds from a quarter till (when the bell rings). I slammed open the door to my Spanish class, and stopped. Something was strange... wait, this wasn't my class! The strangers stared at me in confusion, but really I was the confused one. I ran out, slamming the door a second time, and went right to the restroom. The only thing I wanted was to literally dig myself a hole and hide in it forever. Since I had D lunch, the bell rang for passing time, not class! I had another five minutes. Why was I so worried about being late anyway? Well that was definitely embarrassing moment #3. At that time, I was ready to just go home and cry a mountain. I decided to write a letter to God instead.

The letter helped, but I nearly cried for no reason at all twice during my AP Environmental Science class. We were just merely discussing water and there I go tearing up (thank goodness no one noticed... or at least I hope not). I planned to do the only thing I could think of. I went to my FCA Coach/Sponsor's room. It seems like the only safe-haven in the whole school. I came in and just started crying (I feel bad for him, but he's used to it and knows I am a very sensitive, emotional girl). I said, "I am not in the emotional, physical, or spiritual state for this Lock-In." Luckily, other FCA leader friends were there and they gave me a hug. :) One of my friends read Scripture to me from Psalm 73. God just spoke to me. It felt great. Then I let out all of my problems, insecurities, and fears to her. Really, I felt like I was crying for no reason, but it was an accumulation of stress that caused this week's emotions (that and hormones). She asked if I wanted to go for a car ride and I agreed. She took me to eat a snow cone at Fruitzen. It was just what I needed! We relaxed in the park while we ate delicious fruity snow cones. I had to go to a tennis meet next, but she gave me the encouragement I needed for the upcoming Lock-In (that night!). By some miracle, I won my tennis meet. I proceeded to the Lock-In and it was AWESOME. We planted many seeds and I just pray that God will make them grow and that we impacted people for His kingdom.

I'm running out of time because I have to finish my research paper and homework. But Saturday was like Thursday and Friday. I will explain that in the next post. :) Goodnight!

These were the verses that gave me spiritual encouragement on Friday:

Psalm 73:21-28 (NIV)

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

-Footprints picture from Google